Seasons of the Soul
by ulyses birdwing
Summary: Third in the sequel, please read the other two stories first. Bella and Jasper are a little older and suffer a big loss. Follow them as they overcome the trauma and end up growing in unexpected ways.
1. Chapter 1

Hi readers!**  
><strong>This is the third in a sequel of Bella and Jasper stories. Please read _'Journey to my soul's other self_' and then_ 'My soul's shadow self',_ before reading this story, otherwise it might not make sense.

This story needs a tissue warning , it is based on real events in my life.

I recommend readers who have been affected by the whole area of grief surrounding miscarriage, still birth, and difficult pregnancies, might need to seek a shoulder to cry on, or a counselor to talk to about it. I still grieve for my miscarried twin, twenty two years later.

I'll post this chapter, even though I'm not sure about the story's ending yet. This work is un-beta'd. I'd love to read your feedback.

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><p>Disclaimer: Ms Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.<p>

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><p><strong>Seasons of the Soul.<strong>

**Chapter 1. A time to be born, a time to die.**

Light rest, no heavy lifting.

This is the way it's supposed to be for me until Junior arrives. I'm not supposed to be doing very much of anything, strenuous or otherwise. Even hanging out the sheets and towels is deemed too much for me.

I need to get them dry and it's getting so annoying having to ask someone else to help me, especially when I know they are all so busy doing so much for me already.

Heck, I'll just quickly get them out of the washing machine and take them outside, it's so lovely and sunny, there's a nice breeze blowing, they'll be dry in no time at all.

I wish I could move more comfortably,

I wish I wasn't all swollen like the Michelin man, a big blimp, an enormous whale.

I wish I wasn't supposed to be resting twenty four, seven.

I really think my brain is going to shrivel up from lack of use, I miss working.

I wish I didn't need to go to the loo every two minutes, it's ridiculous.

I know the doctor read me the riot act, about staying still, resting in bed, but I'm so uncomfortable _and bored_.

Bored, bored...bored.

It's even been hard to read all the books I'd like, because my eyesight is weird and I get terrible headaches.

I've got another fifteen weeks until Junior is due; I'm only twenty-five weeks pregnant!

God only knows what I'll look and feel like if I get to full term!

But if things don't go well, I might have to be induced early or have a Caesarean to get him out.

I'm hoping he'll stay for another couple of months at least, and then he'll be a bit more developed.

I want his little lungs to work properly and his little body as strong as possible.

I'll just get this washing out, before Jasper notices.

I don't want to bother him; he is worrying a lot, and has been doing too much, not sleeping properly.

He's been having nightmares about the terrible house fire of his childhood.

He must be really stressed, he only has nightmares when he's not coping with things.

He's got circles under his eyes, poor darlin'.

Mmm it's really nice outside, the sky is so blue today and there some swallowtail butterflies dancing in the air around me... Pretty blue...ahhh...

My head!...I wish my eyes weren't so blurry...oh no I dropped the washing basket!...

Oh, god, ...that pain in my tummy...I'm gonna be sick...Ughh.. Oh no...I'm seeing stars and ... is that blood?..._**BLOOD!**_

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><p>Where am I?<p>

Oh god I feel awful, what's that beeping sound?

Everything's white...so bright.

My mouth is dry and I'm having trouble opening my eyes...

"Bella? Are you awake baby?"

"Ugh", I try to open my eyes, Jasper's trying to speak to me.

I feel his hand holding mine I feel strange, it looks like a hospital

I squeeze his hand, I'm so weak... and he comes right up close to my face and kisses me .

"Oh baby swan, things are... Things are"... He starts to cry and leans his head on my shoulder and howls.

"Jasper, honey... Don't cry sweetie." I manage to croak.

I'm so thirsty.

He holds me tighter and cries harder. His tears are soaking into my hospital gown.

I start crying too. I guess something bad happened to Junior.

"Jasper did Junior...?"

Before I could say any more Jasper looks up and shakes his head slowly.

"Junior didn't make it Bella. The"...he sighed and closed his eyes.

"Bella, Junior died suddenly, the placenta came away, and there was no oxygen, he died and ...and ...then...you nearly bled to death. I nearly lost you both."

I had tears streaming down my face and I held his hand tighter.

"Oh god. Poor little Junior... Poor little guy didn't even have a chance did he?"

"No darlin' he didn't."

"But I'm here...I love you Jasper, and don't you forget it!" I didn't want Jasper hurting, I had to help him. I looked at him closer, he started speaking again.

"Oh baby, I wasn't sure if I'd ever survive without you! I love you you're my life...I'm so glad you're awake. They had to do an emergency caesarean and you'd had become unconscious due to the very high blood pressure... it wasn't certain if you'd even survive the heavy blood loss... or if you'd be able to function properly if you made it through... they were worried about your brain having a stroke."

"Well, I always was a little bit wacky, now you'll just have to see if I'm any worse than normal! Can you give me a little drink of water, I'm so thirsty..." I can't get my head around what Jasper just said...is that why I'm here cracking jokes...?

"Mrs Whitlock, ma'am," a nurse bustled in checking my various things attached to me, wires and tubes and drips all over the place.

She smiled and patted my hand.

"Ma'am, I was wondering if you'd feel like sitting up and maybe trying to let me freshen you up with a little sponge bath? I know it's not nice when you first come out of surgery, but it looks like your doing fine, the doctor will be here. And there's also a special little baby, I was wondering if you'd like to see him and give him a cuddle?"

I felt a little shocked and stunned... Junior...my little guy...

Baby Whitlock... I took a deep breath looked over to Jasper and he looked at me

Jasper squeezed my hand and I took a deep breath.

Jasper kissed my hand, "I was able to hold him while you were in surgery. He's so little. They just couldn't get to him in time Bella... I'll help you to say goodbye and give him some hugs and kisses...would you like that darlin'? He's so tiny, the poor little guy."

Tears streamed down my face, they wouldn't stop.

I nodded, yeah, my little guy.

The nurse helped my into a more comfortable sitting position, and propped me up on more pillows. She got a stack of hot, moist towels and gave me a gentle clean, she was very sweet. I got into a new, clean nightie and Jasper brushed my hair. It did make me feel a lot more refreshed.

"Ok, you're all ready? We can give you as long as you need to say goodbye,There's a hospital chaplain here waiting, if you'd like to talk about your sad loss, or anything else, ok?"

I just looked at Jasper and sniffed. The tears wouldn't stop.

He held me more easily now. He sat on the bed beside me and put his arm around my shoulders. We kissed both crying, and then put our foreheads together. Breathing and not wanting to take our eyes off each other.

The nurse came in with our little baby. He was all wrapped snugly in a white cotton bunny rug. He looked like he was just sleeping.

So tiny, so sweet.

His head was small and his hands and face were perfectly formed.

So, so small and delicate.

"Have you got your phone Jasper? We should take so photos to remember him. Maybe we can make an album for him. He's really beautiful, isn't he? He's perfect."

"Yeah he is, he really, really is. He's our little champ."

"I was wondering, do you like the name George?"

"Yeah, I guess, why?"

"Well he kind of looks like a George... And I also like to think he might be named in honour of your baby sister Georgia. What do you think Jasper?"

"George Whitlock...that's a nice strong name. Yeah, I like it."

"I bet he would've loved fishing with Charlie." I looked down at him and gently pulled his hand out of the blanket.

"And swimming in the river with me, Pete and his cousin Max".

"Yeah, Max will be sad he was looking forward to playing with his new little cousin."

"Liam would have loved to build Lego castles and spaceships with him, and take him for long rides on Daisy's back."

"We'll just have to try again, maybe get lucky", I felt a ray of hope.

Maybe the next time might not be so bad.

Jasper's face dropped. He looked like he was in severe pain. Tears welled up in his eyes again.

"What is it Jasper, are you ok hon?"

Jasper shook his head. He took a few deep breaths.

"Babe, it's like this...you were bleeding out so heavily, _haemorrhaging so bad_,... that during the caesarean, they ended up having to give you an emergency hysterectomy... You nearly didn't make it. They have had to give you so much blood and you weren't clotting..."

Jasper couldn't speak any more, he was pale and in anguish.

"I'm sorry hon, I'm so sorry... there won't be any babies, unless we adopt or something... Little George is our one and only baby Whitlock."

I looked down at my sweet baby, lying in my arms.

So tiny and perfect.

Little George Whitlock.

I cried and pulled him closer to my chest.

My tummy was heavily bandaged.

Things were beeping and tubes and wires were starting to annoy me and feel horrible...

I felt horrible...disgusted with myself for being stupid and selfish, assuming that I could just hang out the washing...

Why oh why, didn't I just lie in bed and listen to the doctor's advice?

Maybe George would have had a chance if it wasn't for me, trying to do stuff.

No more babies...no more...none...all gone...gone.

I leaned into Jasper and cried into his shoulder, he pulled me closer and we both wept.

The doctor told us the same thing that we already knew.

Due to my sudden and severe escalating symptoms of toxemia; the placenta abrupted; pulling away from my uterus wall.

Causing little George to die from oxygen starvation and me to bleed so heavily, that I would have most certainly died, if it wasn't for the emergency surgery.

The only way to save me was an emergency hysterectomy, meaning that I wouldn't be able to bear children.

He was sorry for the loss of my ability to carry children.

The only small bright side was they hadn't removed my ovaries, so I wouldn't be going into early menopause. (Well that's one thing to be thankful for I guess.)

I was going to be able to make a good recovery, but I was going to have to stay in hospital for a week, as I needed to regain my strength and stabilize my blood count.

While I was in hospital I needed to get as much rest as possible and eat well, even if I didn't feel like it.

The doctor said that I should expect a huge emotional reaction to what had happened...and he strongly advised both Jasper and I take the assistance provided; like talking to the social worker, grief counsellor and the chaplain's services which were available at the hospital.

He also handed us a heap of pamphlets on grief, help and support available in the community and a list of organizations that were available on-line or by phone.

He said that it might take some time to sink in, and there would probably be many questions we'd have about what happened.

He said he would be checking on me later in the day, and then the following days, up until I was released.

He wanted me to write things down as they came up, so I could get as many answers to my questions as possible.

He said he'd try his hardest to answer, but sometimes, it wasn't possible to know everything.

He knew I'd been healthy before the pregnancy. I hadn't been in an at-risk category, until I had started getting elevated blood pressure a few weeks ago, when I went in for my check-up appointment.

Toxemia and pre-eclampsia are common, but extremely serious, and are the cause of many still births and maternal deaths around the world.

He said that even though it probably didn't feel like it, it was a good thing I'd been able to get to hospital quickly, and that they'd been able to save me. Otherwise, Jasper would have been arranging two funerals, rather than one.

The doctor sighed and looked a little teary. He patted my arm and said, "My wife and I had a similar situation to yours, and we lost our twins at thirty weeks, they both died a week after being born... It took a big toll on both of us emotionally. I didn't know how to cope with it, and my wife felt isolated. It tore us apart for a long time. I strongly recommend that you take up all the offers of support you can get, and make sure you use it. You both deserve to come out of this trauma together, as a team, not as two broken individuals...does that make sense?"

Jasper and I looked at each other and then back at the doctor.

I was still holding George.

"Work together, find a way to grieve and support each other through this. Make George's life mean something. Think of a way you can celebrate his small life, and move forward...I have to rush off, but remember above all else... Keep talking to each other!"

He rushed out the door and onto his next patient.

We took some photos of George.

We got his tiny hands and feet inked and printed on some plain white card.

We snipped a little bit of his hair and put it in a small plastic bag.

I tried to make a joke about George being too young to have his fingerprints taken.

Jasper huffed and shook his head.

The nurse took a heap of photos with the three of us all together.

The chaplain was very kind.

She told us of the shock and raw emotions which we should expect to suddenly boil up and overwhelm us...she asked if we wanted a service in the chapel for George. And if we needed help organizing a funeral at home in Taos.

I asked Jasper what he thought about a funeral, he looked like he was breaking in two.

"Something small and peaceful; something for those around us, like Pete, Char, Charlie, Sue, Seth and Leah would be nice don't you think?... Oh and Mrs Cope's been busting to come into the room and give you a hug, by the way. And then there are all the people at the catering business..." Jasper sounded exhausted.

"Yeah I like small and peaceful too Jasper... Just like George small and peaceful... I'm gonna ask Nan and Esme to watch over him, and Marcus to help him through his journey on the other side. I know they'll be there holding him and loving him, like they did for us when they were alive...don't you think?"

Tears sprang up running down both our faces, and we held onto that knowledge, that George would be in good loving hands and always watched over.

We stroked his tiny face and kissed his tiny fuzzy head.

Sweet baby George.

Our son, our special boy.

"Jasper, do you want to bring Mrs Cope in, so she can see George?"

"Yeah, Shelly Cope and Sue can't wait to see you. Charlie is gonna need some special handling; he's gone very quiet, well quieter than normal. Are you feeling up to them coming in, do you want them all at once?"

It made me realize that I had people waiting for me, people who cared and were worried. Jasper must have been dealing with them all on his own, while I was in surgery.

"Maybe a quick visit with each of them separately. Dad and Sue first though; it sounds as if he's gonna need some TLC. I don't want him to have a heart attack from the stress. Shelley can come in after that, she'll hopefully understand."

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><p>Please give me some feedback. I really appreciate it!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

AN: Disclaimer: S. Meyer owns Twilight. I own all of my mistakes.

Ecclesiastes 3 is my inspiration for this story.

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><p><strong>Chapter 2. A time to cry, a time to laugh.<strong>

I lay back down in the shade.

The water was slowly lapping at the water's edge.

I closed my eyes.

This place would be beautiful,... if I could only stop seeing George's little body I cradled in my arms.

...If only I could stop hearing the anguished sobbing of Jasper, as we held each other.

Everything felt like it had turned to ash, nothing had flavour any more, nothing had colour.

It had all washed away.

All my energy was gone and I was flat as a pancake.

Drained.

Lost.

Jasper and I had gone away, a week after George's funeral.

We didn't want to talk to any more sad people, or explain anything.

We had run out of words...it was too much!

We went down to Mexico to stay and rest...attempting to recover and just be still...quiet...

Try and pull the ragged edges of our shared grief together and smooth the hole that was left...

A George shaped hole.

Poor Jasper had gotten as quiet and as weepy as me.

We were quite the pair of mourners.

Everywhere we went, we held hands, touching holding, never more than a few inches apart at any time.

We went to the bathroom together, and couldn't stand for the other to be any further away than a hand's width.

I focused on my breathing.

I reached to my side and touched Jasper's back.

I felt his hand take mine and our fingers linked.

Jasper whispered in my ear, "I love you baby."

He pulled up my hand and kissed my palm.

He started silently crying.

Tears ran down my cheeks too, ran down my neck and dripped onto the towel I was lying on.

I rolled onto my side and reached over to hold his back and put my face right up to his.

Touching foreheads.

I sighed and kissed his nose.

"Jasper, I think we should buy shares in the Kleenex Company. We're their best customers."

"Yeah, it feels like there's an ocean of tears, and it'll never stop."

"I love you, my otter man, and don't you forget it...talking of otters, do you wanna swim? The water is so clear and it doesn't matter if we cry there, it'll just add to the salt content in the Gulf of Mexico."

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><p>We woke up simultaneously.<p>

I could feel George in my arms and Nan sitting on my side of the bed, watching me. I felt Esme on Jasper's side of the bed.

"Did you...?"

"Yeah, I did, they were all here, right with us..."

"Wow, amazing..."

"Yeah I know, amazing!"

"George is really ok, they know we miss him. But he's ok..."

"He's in loving hands little swan."

We reached for each other and held on, tears and smiles coming all at once.

"Thanks Esme. Thanks Nanna. Thanks for showing us you've got baby George. I know you'll both love him. At least; till we can meet you all on the other side." I spoke to them.

I could feel them here with us.

Jasper smiled and sat up, he could feel them too.

A sharp sea-breeze blew through the open window into our room, and in flew three butterflies.

They fluttered and danced in circles, and flying around the room above our bed.

"Beautiful...I've seen these at home in Taos... I think they're some sort of swallowtail."

Jasper grabbed his phone and took some photos. They had landed on the vase of flowers in the room. I got up out of bed and came up slowly, so as not to scare them. They were amazing... The colours...the sun caught their wings and they shimmered, with an iridescent peacock blue.

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><p>please send me feedback, I love it.<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

AN. Stephanie Meyer owns twilight.

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><p><strong>Chapter 3. A time to plant, a time to harvest.<strong>

Every day since we've been in Mexico, we've had butterflies around us.

Down on the beach, in the outdoor cafe, walking down the street, in our room...everywhere, in all shapes, sizes and colour combinations.

Butterflies fluttering and swooping and gently going about their business, in the air all around us.

It gave me a little bit of joy to see them flying around.

I even giggled when I watched as a butterfly landed in my bowl of fruit salad.

I shocked myself with the sound of my own laughter. It had been a while.

Jasper looked up, equally surprised.

When I pointed to the butterfly perched on the side of my mango slices, he smiled.

A smile something so simple, yet it felt like we'd suddenly turned a corner.

The smile and my laughter, was a small step on our path back, back to our future.

"Jasper?"

"Mmm?"

"I've been thinking.."

"Yeah?"

"I kinda like butterflies...in fact I really like them, you know, they are the first things that have made us smile and laugh since Baby George, you know?"

"Yeah, they have, you're right...they are kinda special and just fly around doin' their thing, not mindin' the rest of the world and all its problems."

"They are like flying jewels."

"Happy wanderers."

"Joyful explorers."

"Special visitors."

"Playful messengers."

"Jasper?"

"Mmm?"

"I don't think I've ever met a single person who doesn't like butterflies, have you?"

"Mmm, no I can't think of a single person, butterflies are pretty friendly and non-threatening. They're kind of like friendly packages of fun and inspiration. I think that's why so many people like them."

"Jasper?"

"Mmm?"

"What do butterflies eat?"

"Well apart from the mango slices on your plate, I'm not sure, I think they like nectar, like bees..."

"let's Google it, I'm sure they eat all kinds of things.."

"Jasper?"

"Look, it says here that there's a heap of different plants they like, depending on the species, and there are different food plants that the caterpillars eat, compared to the adults."

Poor Jasper was trying to take a nap in the lounge chair, while I pestered him with butterfly facts.

He had his eyes closed, "tell me more baby, I'm just resting my eyes here, I'm listening, I promise it's really interesting."

"New Mexico has a lot of very interesting butterflies...some have their whole life cycles living and breeding in roadside weed plants, others in common garden plants, others have more specialist plants they like as food...but reading here, it looks like you only need to plant a few nectar plants for them to be attracted into your everyday garden...mmm."

I kept reading; this stuff was fascinating. I was quite inspired... Maybe I could plant some of these things in our Taos garden and see if we could attract the adult butterflies...that would be nice, seeing them come and visit us once we were back home.

Maybe I could propagate and grow a whole heap of caterpillar food plants, as well as the adult nectar plants, and then I could see the babies grow up, from eggs, right through to the stage when they become fluttering delicate messengers of joy.

"Jasper, when we get home I'm going to plant a butterfly garden, and if you want, you can help me. From what I'm reading here, we can grow a lot of yummy caterpillar and butterfly food plants, and they'll be our friends, coming to stay and hopefully breed. What do you think? Is that a good idea?"

"Mmm, yeah sugar, I like it, sounds great..."

I just got another couple of butterflies joining their friend on the mango...it got me thinking...

"Jasper?"

"Yeah baby?"

"I've got another really great idea, how about we plant a special butterfly garden in honour of George, and also your baby sister Georgia. I think I'd like that, somewhere to spend time enjoying the plants and butterflies in memory of them. Maybe with a nice seat and a bird-bath. Somewhere to sit and enjoy the peace and thank them for being with us, even though it was only for a short time... What do you think?"

"A butterfly garden for our special baby and my little sister, yeah I like that idea a lot..." Jasper opened his eyes and smiled looking down at the crowded plate of butterflies who'd decided to come and lap up the mango juice.

"That's amazing! Look how many love that fruit, it's like they can't get enough of it!"

"Can you just imagine how fantastic it would be to see butterflies in our garden from spring right through to fall?"

"I think I'd really like that."


	4. Chapter 4

****AN: Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight.

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><p>Chapter<strong> 4. A time to grieve and a time to dance.<strong>

Dear Nan and Esme,

Thanks for being there for both Jasper and me. We are reassured and forever grateful for you both holding baby George and loving him.

We've been both really excited to plan out a butterfly garden to remember George and Georgia.

I've been steadily doing research on the best food plants and various sheltering structures, seating and bird attracting items to place in the garden. There's heaps of information, and I'm getting quite enraptured about the whole project.

I'm planning on putting up a couple of memorial plaques for both the babies. And scattering George's ashes in the garden.

Jasper has an artist friend who he would like to employ to specifically create a wind sculpture, which will move when the wind blows, and make musical sounds.

I've seen Spike's work before, and really enjoyed his whimsical moving sculptures. I think it's a great idea to support a local artist, and create something unique and pleasing. Something that both kids and adults would like.

There's still times when I start crying unexpectedly, especially when I see mothers with their babies, or pregnant women. Jasper has been quiet a, he's been holding a lot of emotions in and then crying in the shower or when we go swimming.

Jasper still has the odd nightmare, but it's not as severe as when we first came into this situation. He still has trouble letting me out of his sight. I think he's been so traumatized that a part of his subconscious thinks I might leave him or die, if I am out of his company.

I'm hoping it will become a little bit easier to be physically apart; otherwise we'll have to think of new ways to cope with our new close togetherness. Yesterday he let me get an arm's width away from him, before he noticed. I'm worried that he'll grow to be a bit obsessive and have panic attacks if I leave the room and he can't come too.

We might need to seek help, for us to get used to the everyday coming and going that normal couples achieve. Where people come together and move apart like a dance, without the anxiety, or pain of worry that they'll never see each other again.

There is one beautiful thing that's arisen from this new closeness; we don't need to talk much to get our message understood by the other. Sometimes all it takes is a look, an eyebrow quirked, a purse of the lips, a huff or touch of the hand, and we totally get what the other one is saying.

Jasper has been playing a lot of music, and pulling me up to dance with him slow and sensuous.

Holding each other with love all around us, like static in the air before a storm, our love seems to fill the air too.

We move together, entwined in a big bubble of love and devotion.

Jasper has also taken to feeding me bites of this and that, as we eat our meals and also in between snacks. Like a parent bird feeding its baby, he's always popping things in my mouth.

I feel like some of my digestive system is finally working properly enough to at least taste and desire the food I eat. For a few weeks, everything tasted like ash.

Now I'm starting to notice and even taste flavours again, even enjoy a few things...mostly fresh fruit.

I'm still as weak as a kitten, not able to really walk long distances, or cope with staying up late and even lifting suitcases is too much. I'm slowly regaining my strength back but, it's seems to be taking a while.

I suppose on top of the normal six week recovery time it takes to get over a hysterectomy, I've also got to recover from all the blood loss, post birth hormones, as well as the near death of myself and the actual death of baby George.

I can see just how enormous my recovery will be.

Maybe things will never be the same again, and I'll have to adjust to a new way of being- a new way to live. Possibly find a quieter and less busy way to be in the world.

Maybe I should just give myself and Jasper the gift of time and peace.

Maybe I should be gentle and compassionate for myself and Jasper, instead of trying to rush around and arrange everything like I normally do.

Maybe I can give the reins to someone else for a change and trust them to do the things I would normally do.

Maybe I should accept that things can never be the same again. That what happened, happened, and can't be changed, taken back or healed quickly.

Maybe the old me will never resurface, never make a comeback, never take on the world again, like I used to.

Maybe the old me can't come back, maybe it's time for a new me to emerge out of this mess.

Maybe it's like after being in a cocoon or chrysalis, the caterpillar emerges into the light of day as a butterfly. Completely transformed, a different creature altogether.

Some Latin beat starts up, and Jasper pulls me up and we start to move again together.

I look up at his face, looking down at me.

Maybe, just maybe... we'll keep dancing, till we choose something else to do instead.

And that's fine.


	5. Chapter 5

AN: S.M. owns the whole of the known Twilight universe. I own my mistakes.**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 5. A time to cast way stones, a time to gather them together.<strong>

I'd finished the list of plants I was hoping to plant in the new garden.

Jasper's ideas were great and together we'd sketched out a few plans ready for our homecoming.

Mexico had been kind to us. We'd just been able to eat, sleep and relax, without having to worry about the real world back home. And the butterflies came to keep us amused and delighted.

A butterfly garden had given us a new purpose, giving us something to work towards as a couple.

My strength was slowly building, but we were still holding onto each other like life-buoys in a stormy sea.

It was as if we couldn't exist without each other. Like we would stop breathing and our hearts would somehow stop beating, without our other half by our sides.

I had worried that maybe it was a form of obsession, this hanging on to each other, clinging and not so productive...but I was beginning to see that it might be a new kind of reality for us, being even closer than before; like conjoined twins.

Separate individuals, but forever bound together.

We spent time not only looking forward to creating a beautiful garden for our baby and butterflies. But we also found a level of calm and peace.

We talked about our future in small doses.

I wanted to hand over my catering business to Kate and Angela, and I was going to give them the choice to buy me out, or keep me on as a silent partner.

Either way, I was fine. I wanted to get away from all the busy rushing around I did when I worked, before I was ordered to have bed rest, all those weeks ago.

I realized at sometime during my stay in Mexico, that I needed to recover and relax a while longer. I didn't need to fight resting, I not only wanted to relax, but my body and mind craved it.

My heart wasn't in catering any more. I'd had enough, after seven years of hard slog and keeping our business running, expanding and managing quite a lot of local and regional functions. I was ready for some change and a time to spend focusing on healing our agonizing grief, and build our love and relationship.

Our new garden was a ray of hope for the both of us.

Jasper was talking more, and looking things up on the Internet. He had a new sense of purpose, he was determined that this garden was going to be something special, something worth all of our efforts and a way to channel our emotions...in a positive way, rather than collapsing into the dark depths of despair.

He found a lovely design for a seat which he wanted to try and make with his own hands. He said that it was something he'd always wanted to learn to do, work with wood and create something beautiful and functional.

"Baby swan, would you still love me if I was a carpenter, and not an historian? Would you want me if I worked with my hands, instead of my mind?"

"Jasper, you already do amazing things with your hands, and I'll love you whether you use a computer and do research in dusty libraries, or have calloused hands from working long days making stuff with tools. Carpenters use their brains as well as their hands, but there's one thing historians don't do that carpenters do really well."

"What's that baby?"

"Look really hot, stripped off sweat pouring down their back, in a pair of shorts wearing a tool belt."

We both cracked up over that, and then went back into being quiet and thoughtful.

Although, I spotted Jasper having a secret grin to himself afterwards.

I showed Jasper some pictures with dry-stone walls built into curves.

The one thing we had a large amount of, freely available around our house was rock. Lots of large and small unweathered angular chunks of sedimentary rock, which was mostly sandstone.

If we slowly gathered enough together, we could possibly try and build a rock wall. It would give some structure to the garden and shelter to the more delicate plants, as well as a little privacy until the taller plants got taller.

We looked at the pictures together, and had a few conversations. Jasper was worried I was going to overdo it and become exhausted, jeopardizing my recovery. I told that a little light exercise gathering stones; might help clear the area we needed to plant anyway, and I promised to not wreck my recovery.

I kissed him and said he could call me on it, if he thought I was over doing it at any stage.

I told him my passion wasn't in catering or event management anymore and I needed to pour all my love into him and our relationship.

I told Jasper that I trusted him with my life.

He was the one who'd found my outside in the garden near the washing line, unconscious and bleeding to death.

He was my personal savoir, my guardian angel, my ever loving husband and my soul's other self.


	6. Chapter 6

AN: Hi dearest readers! Please note this chapter contains explicit descriptions of sex.

Twilight is owned by the inspirational S. Meyer, lucky lucky lady!**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6. A time to embrace, a time to refrain.<strong>

Jasper and I spent our last week in Mexico, eating and laughing a bit more.

Tears were becoming a little less frequent.

My abdominal scar wasn't so sore anymore, and my bleeding had stopped.

I was swimming a lot more, I felt freer floating in the water. It was soothing and Jasper always held onto me or was close by. I touched and stroked him, rubbing his arms and back when I floated in the water. Playing my fingers through his hair.

* * *

><p>Massage oil was one of our very new favourite things to apply to each other's skin.<p>

Jasper said I had lovely hands, which he adored. I knew he found my touch both soothing and sensual.

I attempted to satisfy his sexual appetite in a multitude of ways.

He was adamant that he'd not get it off, until I was allowed to fully participate with him.

He was following the doctor's orders after all.

So we went back to our early days of clothed experiments and expression.

Tantric exercises, as well as my kugel workouts, were enough to release some of the tension, but also managed to build it up; to a deep well of longing , desire and unexpressed emotions.

I was _really, really_ looking forward to letting loose with Jasper and getting our bodies joined again, moving in harmony and spiralling upwards; our spirits flying free and spinning out of control.

My physical recovery period from the entire trauma was six weeks minimum; the doctor had warned Jasper and I, to take it slow and not get too heavy too fast.

I was likely to cause a painful prolapse or an infection, if I got too much action. But it had been six weeks since the surgery and i felt like trying to see what would happen.

Jasper was a well built man after all; he was no light-weight in comparison to others in the joy-stick department I guess, although I'd never seen too many men naked.

Jasper was still my one and only.

* * *

><p>I thought that I'd try and get Jasper to relax a little, with a back massage after our shower, while we were still both naked.<p>

I got him on the bed, lying down on a towel. I straddled his thighs and worked the scented oil slowly and evenly, in long rhythmic strokes up his back; either side of his spine and focused on his shoulders.

There was a lot of tightness there, I'm sure he'd felt like he was holding up all the worries of the world on his shoulders...

I made soothing circular movements either side of his neck and around the base of his skull, the massaged his scalp, to release the tension which he had built up.

He often got headaches, from stress.

I moved down to his lower back and did some soothing strokes using my forearms across his lower back, and then ran my hands repeatedly over the hips and butt, he sure had a cute little ass, I sighed...

"Roll over Jasper; I want to massage a little oil, into your front."

He did as I asked, without any complaints.

I massaged his arms and hands, his pectoral muscles and around the base of his neck and skull, and again massaged is scalp, down around his ears and jaw.

There was always a lot of tension in his jaw, where he clenched his teeth.

Always trying to hang on tightly, not wanting to just let loose...holding all that tension inwards.

"Baby you're a bit tight around your jaw, just relax and maybe yawn, or soften up here where my fingers are," I did soft circles with my fingers, on and all around his jaw.

"See, that's better, much more relaxed, not so much tension...good, that's a lot better isn't it?"

He grunted and opened up his eyes.

I was kneeling naked, a knee either side of his ribs, his eyes looked straight up at my boobs and his smile widened...

He reached out and cupped my breasts and ran his fingers under them, his skin on my skin, felt like sparks igniting. I stretched up, arching my back in automatic response.

I shivered slightly and sighed.

He brushed his thumbs over my nipples, sending a hot bolt of electricity down to my girl bits.

I felt different sensations down there, after all the surgery and trauma, but strangely enough, I was responding with a lot of arousal and was driven by a deep well of un-met desire.

A desire to feel Jasper in all his fabulous glory called to me; his body and mine were so familiar and close with each other, that he only had to move and I automatically moved with him.

"Babe, I want you...to taste me...do my tits taste the same? Do you still love them?"

Jasper pulled me down so he could lick and suck on each nipple, I groaned and so did he.

I was really getting slippery down there, I wanted more.

I felt down behind me with one hand and gently gasped his rigid length, stroking it slowly.

He groaned some more.

"I want to feel you, I need to feel you...you want to see if I feel different, or still the same? You want me Jasper?"

He moaned and sucked down hard on my nipple, tweaking the other in between his thumb and index finger.

I gasped, and growled.

His length was leaking fluid, and so was I.

I shifted myself and placed his length so it was situated at my very slippery slit.

I sighed deeply.

I lowered myself slowly, moving him into me.

Slowly, slowly feeling all my walls make room for him, moving and holding him in my internal embrace.

There was no pain, just a wonderful sensation of familiarity and joy.

I was overcome with a surprise and happiness, and moved to hold all of my loving man's length, my one and only, my insanely wonderful delicious man inside deeply, fully.

Tears streamed down my face.

I reached down to move his face up so I could see his eyes.

I stared at my beautiful man, he had tears too.

"I hope they're tears of joy and relief, like me Jasper..."

"Oh little swan, you know it! I feel like I'm home again, feeling you around me, holding me tight and secure as only you can do...it's something I wasn't sure we would be able to achieve, but now it looks and feels like we have a most wonderful success in your road to recovery... being together like this, you don't really feel any different, you're not feeling any pain... are you?" I shook my head.

"It's the same but a little different ...I can't feel your cervix anymore with the tip of my cock...mmm still hot and wet for me and still so beautiful...I love you my sweet, sweet swan."

"Let's always stay the same baby swan...just like this hot and wet and naked together. Never leaving, always joined...I really missed this baby... Oh God, you feel so incredible...so intensely insanely fantastic..."

I moved a little more quickly and he tweaked both nipples shooting sensations down deep inside me. He pulled me closer to his face ad pushed my breasts together, sucking on my both nipples at once...this sent me over the edge, it always did...I squeezed... thanking all those kugel exercises, and started quivering inside.

"Jasper, Jasper...ahhh...ohhhh..."

He put his hands on my hips and slid one down close to me, slipping a finger down to my clit, circling it and gently rubbing it.

I started coming hard. My walls were squeezing strongly and deeply... Oh God!... This was intense!...I started crying and screaming...

Jasper started thrusting up harder and faster. He put his other hand around to my butt and moved his finger around my hole, circling slowly, sensations arose anew, and I orgasmed harder once more... He was coming too, joining me in our roars and moans...

He pushed down firmly on both my clit and back entrance again, and thrust harder a few more times, this time...

I left my body and soared through the stratosphere...

I was circling the earth, in orbit...

Somewhere a long way away...

Somewhere swooping and flying, spinning and moving...

We slowly opened our eyes and stared in wonder...

We smiled at each other and I started giggling.

Jasper joined in.

We started laughing and laughing...I ached as the laughing took me over.

We had trouble catching our breaths...tears fell down my cheeks in happiness.

It was then at that very moment, that I _knew_... that everything was going to really be ok..._we were going to survive this and come out the other side...together._


	7. Chapter 7

AN: Twilight is owned by Steph Meyer.

This chapter contains sexual content.**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7. A time to seek and a time to lose.<strong>

Jasper and I stepped off the plane and ran into the arms of Charlotte and Pete.

Max ran around us in circles, pretending he was an airplane, with all the sound effects, as cute as ever.

"Aunty Bella, Uncle Jasper! Look! Look! I'm a plane. Watch me fly fast see?"

He kept up his busy commentary and ran around us in circles, before dropping onto his tummy and sliding around the shiny tiled floor.

"Well you guys are lookin' a lot better than the last time we saw you leaving for Mexico...I guess you got plenty of time to rest up...how are you feelin' hon?" Char hugged me.

Jasper and I looked at each other and smiled, shrugging our shoulders.

"I guess we're as we'll as we could expect, I don't cry as much than I did, and I even started to feel a bit more positive about the future...which is something I guess...wouldn't you say Jasper?"

He nodded and held my hand up to kiss my knuckles and smile shyly.

"Come on then you two love birds; let's go get your luggage." Pete huffed and then winked at me. "I bet anything you guys shopped till you dropped, and came back with heaps of extra bags!"

"Surprisingly no we didn't, but we did eat a lot of tropical fruit and swim a lot, didn't we Jas?"

"I couldn't keep out of the warm crystal clear water, it was magic. It was very good at soothing the beast within." Jasper rolled his eyes, smirking at Pete.

"Soothing the beast, is that what you call it brother...I'll have to remember that next time...that Char needs to soothe my beast within...Grrr", he went up to Char and Max doing an angry bear impersonation.

Max giggled and came to take my hand.

"I missed you Aunty Bella, are you feeling better? I've made you a special card to cheer you up, and a present which I made at school...it's a clay robot, but I like Lego robots better, they move more easily, this clay one doesn't have any moving parts at all, it's a bit boring, that's why I'm giving it to you, I know you'll still like it, even if it doesn't move and is too heavy."

"Thank you Max I'm sure it'll be wonderful, I always wanted a clay robot, I fact I don't think I've ever seen one before...it will always be my first special one." I had to smile Max was one charming kid; he was just like his dad and uncle with all of their Whitlock charm, that's for sure.

We loaded up the car with our suitcases. I was starting to yawn already...I still seemed to have no stamina at all.

Jasper watched me out of the corner of his eye. Pete was rabbiting on about a new legal case he'd gotten recently, I yawned again.

Char came over and hugged my side, "you need a rest girl, are you ok?"

I nodded, "just a little weary, I still have to build up my strength. I'm not as energetic as I used to be."

"Come on then let's get out of here and back home. Stop yaffelling Pete, and let's get this show on the road!" Char cracked the whip.

Pete stood to attention and saluted her.

"Yes Ma'am!"

I giggled and Max saluted his mother too, mimicking his dad.

I fell asleep on Jasper's shoulder in the backseat. I closed my eyes listening to all the crazy Whitlock banter...

* * *

><p>I suddenly awoke in bed, it was dawn and I could hear a neighbour's rooster crowing.<p>

I reached out and felt Jasper's back warm against mine and his soft snoring rhythmically sounding in time with my breathing...I never noticed how we breathed in and out together...weird...

I stretched put and yawned. I suppose it might be nice to check the place out, we hadn't been home for over a month. And before that I was in a state of shock, after the hospital and then funeral...it seemed like a long time ago.

I went to the loo for the first time without Jasper following me...strange, but good having my own time to focus on myself.

He was still sleeping soundly, when I checked in on him.

I made a pot of black tea and poured myself a big mug, made some toast and spread it with honey. Mmmm.

I hadn't made myself a drink or food, or been alone in a kitchen for nearly two months!

Jasper continued sleeping. I sighed, smiling to myself. Maybe he'd get over the intense need to constantly be close to me, and start giving me more space.

I went into the lounge-room and looked out the picture window.

It was quiet here...I missed old Truffles, she had finally passed on, to the great big dog playground in the sky...dear old thing...she died last winter, curled up, beside the fire. She was a wonderful friend, always a comfort and a good listener too.

Truffles would have loved to idea of a butterfly garden, as well as a bird bath, a seat, a rock wall and a moving sculpture which makes music as it moves in the wind. She'd probably get a kick out of the butterflies too, and try chasing them. She was a funny dog.

Even Daisy missed her, Daisy had some company though, with our new foster animal 'Eric the Red', a one eyed alpaca who was unwanted by his previous owner, because he was a bit confused about exactly how to breed with the female alpacas. Poor old Eric wasn't much of a stud!

He was friendly enough, with a lovely soft coat; Jasper laughed and said Eric probably didn't swing that way. I said I didn't mind which way he swung, as long as he got on with Daisy.

Anyway Eric the one-eyed alpaca, kept Daisy company, she was still going strong and enjoyed being patted as well as her carrot and apple treats. She kinda bossed Eric around; he didn't seem to mind...I guess. She liked being the alpha of her little grassy domain.

Seth and his lovely girlfriend Silvia had been kind enough to come over and feed them while we were away. They were such a sweet couple, never getting cross with one another, and kissing _all the time_.

I have never met a couple who locked lips so much...it was a wonder that they even got the time to eat and breathe, and all those other important things humans need to do. I shook my head and thought I should go check on Jasper again, I had a strange uneasy feeling...

I poured a cup of tea for Jasper and snuck into the bedroom.

Jasper was mumbling and thrashing around the bed...it was another nightmare.

I sat down on the bed, and softly held his shoulder.

I calmly whispered in his ear.

"Jasper honey, I'm here sweetie. You're safe, it's just a nightmare. I'm here...it's only a dream baby...I'm here, open up your eyes...I bought you some tea...wake up sweetie!"

I shook his shoulder gently, he'd been really deep asleep. He mumbled some more.

I squeezed his shoulder more firmly.

"Come on Jasper, I need you to wake up for me baby...open your eyes, I bought you some tea...wake up honey."

He loudly moaned and suddenly opened his eyes.

"Bella! You're here! I thought you'd died...I saw you die...it must have been a dream...there was so much blood! I couldn't do anything...it was terrible! Oh God! The blood... and I couldn't wake you up...I didn't know what to do...it was hopeless..." Jasper sobbed out.

I got down on the bed and lay with him holding him tight. Kissing him and rubbing his back, trying to soothe his pain.

"I'm here baby, and I'm not going anywhere...I'm here...I'm alive...see?"

We kissed, and kissed some more, deepening the intensity and feeling each other's bodies and faces.

Jasper rolled me onto my back and started ravishing me, licking and sucking my neck and pulling my nightie up and off, in one fell swoop.

He had gone to bed naked so it wasn't long before I got to feel _**all**__ of my beautiful man._

He moved down to my slit and slipped his hand down to plunge his fingers into me, rub my clit with his thumb, while sucking and nipping my neck and breasts.

I sighed and wiggled, moving on his fingers more firmly.

"Jasper ...please...more..."

Jasper moved to line me up and plunged in, right up to the hilt, and moved with strength and purpose. There was no need to go slow.

He wanted to push his nightmare away with the best medicine we'd come across over the years... making hot passionate love.

It was what reconnected us, like nothing else could.

Jasper pulled my legs up and over his arms, spreading me open further and giving him extra access; he kneeled up and pummelled me harder with his thick, hard cock.

We watched each other, moving together...enjoying the flow of our deepening physical connection.

Jasper smirked, pulled out and flipped me over onto my tummy, and then pulled up my backside, plunging in again after a few strokes, he lifted me up by my shoulders to meet his chest and tweaked and pulled my nipples. I squealed and groaned.

He moved his other hand down and pinched my clit firmly... I screamed in response to the sharp sensation.

I felt Jasper sped-up his movements, and then we roared like a pair of wild lions.

We collapsed together sweaty and breathless.

"Bella, babe, I'm sorry to push you so hard...did I hurt you? Are you ok?"

I giggled and rolled back to him and kissed his luscious mouth.

"I'm better than fine sweetie! That was great! Did you manage to chase away that nightmare you had?"

"Yeah, a session of hot lovin' always does the trick! I love you and the way we move...like a pair of magnets or something...it's wonderful and crazy at the same time!"

We searched each other's eyes for reassurance.

I wanted him to be calm and free of nightmares, and he wanted me alive and free from pain.


	8. Chapter 8

AN: The Twilight franchise belongs solely and wholly to Ms. Stephanie Meyer.

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8. A time to tear down and a time to build.<strong>

Dear Nan,

Things have been up and down since Jasper and I got back from Mexico a week ago.

On the good side, I have gotten the thumbs up by Kate and Angela to be a silent partner, retaining my share of the catering business I started when I was eighteen.

I'm so pleased that they are more than happy to manage and run things and do so with style and aplomb. All the events they manage do really well. Our casual staff are also very good at their various specialties and often source more jobs for us.

Shelley Cope has been so good at her job too, that we are now flourishing, and have bookings way into next year. So everything is rosy on the business front.

Shelley is still our nearest neighbour and has been a tower of strength for Jasper and I over the last week since we've back.

She has popped around with casseroles, treats and various interesting gossip. She sits with me while Jasper leaves to do things in town, or invites me over to have lunch with her; she's been a tower of strength.

Shelley was very kind to me at the hospital, and shared with me her own sad story of her two miscarriages. She still was able to have two healthy boys, she's very proud of them, even if she doesn't get to see them as much as she would like.

She and I talk about our visitors from the other side, her husband and my Nan. We both know that life never ends once you die; life still goes on, just on a completely different plane.

Shelley loves the whole idea of a butterfly garden and is happy to take me around the countryside sourcing plants to put in it.

She's been insisting that she buys a birdbath for the garden, and has asked if she could put a plaque for her miscarried babies near it. After talking to Jasper, we both think that is a lovely idea. Shelley has been a good friend and mentor to me, a lot closer to me than my own mother will ever be.

So now we are creating a memorial garden in honour of four babies. I have a sneaking suspicion, that there are other babies, whose parents still wish to express their grief at their early passing. Our four might end up growing...I wonder how that will work...anyway, for the moment; I'll focus on the garden... making it _real_, not just something on paper and a dream in my head.

Peter and Charlotte like the idea of a garden too, and Pete was very moved by the idea of not only naming George in memory of his baby sister Georgia, but also making a garden for his sister and his baby nephew George.

I think it was the first time that I've ever seen Pete look like he was beyond words. He was so moved; he got all teary and went for a long walk with Jasper down to the river, where they had some brotherly bonding time.

I asked Charlotte yesterday if Peter ever has nightmares about the fire they experienced as children, which killed both their parents and baby sister. She nodded, and said in times of stress, he often wakes up sweating and yelling.

I told her about Jasper's nightmares and the most recent one of him seeing me dead.

She understood and said that Jasper was beside himself when he found me unconscious and bleeding outside. He didn't think the ambulance would get here in time, and he was pretty much a wreck, for the whole time I was in hospital.

She said that he tried hard to keep a brave face on things for me, trying to look like he was coping emotionally, rather than feeling like he was about to fall apart, and shatter completely.

Shelley, Char and I paced out the area in the yard; we thought would be big enough for the outline for the garden. Charlotte said we should think big and not to worry about filling it up and Shelley agreed.

Shelley got the garden hose, and Char and Shelley outlined the curved shape for the outer garden edge.

We walked around looking this way and that, expanding it here, shrinking it there with the hose snaking along the ground, thought about the placement of seating, the birdbath, and then lastly the sculpture.

I told them about the idea of using up all of the loose rock around the property, to use in a dry stone wall, explaining how that a simple wall could shelter, give some privacy and much needed structure for the garden.

I said to them, that even though they were worried like Jasper about me doing too much, I knew, with a little help, it could be a very creative project, to help me heal emotionally. They both smiled at me and shook their heads, telling me I was a damn stubborn woman, who wouldn't listen to any common sense. They said I would be better off, getting a professional stonemason in to build it all.

I replied that I'd get help when I needed it, _thank-you very much_ ...and they would always end up telling me, when they thought I was doing too much.

I showed Pete and Jasper the garden outline we had made with the garden hose, and they were supportive and seemed to understand my need to participate directly, _using my own two hands_.

Pete and Char were keen to help put money towards the musical sculpture, as it was partly in honour of Georgia. They knew Spike the artist well, having spent many amusing days together as teenagers, getting into mischief. I was looking forward to meeting Spike and seeing his sculptures, they sounded fascinating...moving with the wind, a joy to see and hear.

I was happy I had the loving support for the idea and planning for the garden.

Seth was hilarious, getting right into the whole concept straight away. Seth and his girlfriend Silvia picked up stones and left them in piles for easy access.

Next, I plan to bring in someone to show me the ropes and techniques used in dry-stone wall construction. I would slowly and steadily build, creeping along at my own pace, with a stone mason supervising me. I didn't tell anyone, except Jasper. He knew it was important to me to get my hands dirty, and focus on the simple task, to get my head and heart straight, and pour out my grief in the process. Even though Jasper worries, he'll still help me do it. The stone wall didn't have to go quick; it just had to be something for me to do..._for as long as it took...grief has no time line_...it may last for a lifetime.

Dad and Sue were happy to have us back home from our trip to Mexico. I think dad has been so shaken-up with my trauma, that his nerves aren't the same; he hadn't yet gotten to a point where he could talk calmly, without still being really upset and shaky. I'd never seen dad so bad, it was like post traumatic stress disorder. I was worried about him.

Sue said she worried too; Dad had started going off for longer and longer trips to fish. But didn't come home with much of a catch...she was concerned he wasn't coping well and I said he could do with some counselling.

Knowing Dad, it was more likely that he would eat his fishing hat, than freely and happily attend counselling.

Charlie didn't like the idea of allowing people to think he was weak or vulnerable.

Sue and I agreed to see if we could find someone who Dad felt comfortable enough to talk to, and express all of his feelings with.

I don't want him to end up with a heart-attack like Harry, Sue's first husband and Dad's best friend.

One good thing though, I just got a call form my sister Leah and her fella Garrett, our very own travelling artists. I know Garrett and Leah will have a good handle on how to deal with Dad and his unspoken-out-of-control -stress and trauma.

Garrett has a really chilled out, calm way about him, and is not only a great fisherman, but has a way of understanding my Dad, as well as getting famously with Jasper and Pete.

I mentioned to Leah about the Dad situation, and she said that was the reason why they were heading back to us. Garrett and her were hoping to assist us to heal from all the pain and grief. She said Dad was holding on to more than my near-death and still-birth stuff, he had trauma from all of the years on the police-force and also all the pain that Renee had caused him and then me.

Leah warned me that when Charlie finally let go of all the shit he'd been carrying around for the last thirty years, he might be a whole new man.

So Nan, I hope you can help Dad to open up and let go of all the pain and upset. If he doesn't its going to destroy him and his health...I don't want his heart to give up, he has so much to live for.

Please send us all the help and support we need to heal and regain strength and some acceptance, that although things can never be the same, we might finally come to a peaceful balance in all our lives.

I love you Nan, thanks for all your support

love always your grand-daughter,

Bella Swan Whitlock xxx


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Twilight belongs to Ms Meyer**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 9. A time to kill and a time to heal.<strong>

Charlie, Jasper and Pete left yesterday to head off on a men's-only camping trip, with Garrett and Seth. Spike the artist, decided to join in, at the last minute.

I had to laugh to myself at all the stuff they decided to pack...talk about taking everything except the kitchen sink! I even saw Pete and Seth sneak in a portable DVD player...so much for appreciating the great outdoors!

The stone mason, a lovely retired man called Carlos, has helped me start work on the dry stone wall. He is so full of tips, and says he understands my need to create something and use my hands.

Carlos says that I need to toughen up my hands and _all of my shoulder and back muscles_... but not all in one day!...He gets the whole thing about me being a novice, and a complete newbie to this.

He quietly comes along after I've proudly finished a section of wall, looks at it shakes his head, and then gives it a big kick with his steel-capped work boots! When it all falls down, he shows me where I went wrong, and gets me to do it over... it's frustrating, but at the same time, I get his method in teaching.

A good wall needs to not just look good, but be stable enough to stand the test of time.

Leah is very strong and wiry; she gets right into the whole activity with me, sorting through the stones and helping me with the bigger ones. I still need heaps of breaks as I have yet to return to my full strength. Leah and Carlos work well together, and she doesn't push, which I'm so thankful for.

Today Char, Sue and Shelley have come over to keep Leah and me company, while the men are away and see how the wall is coming along. While we sit down to eat, we start sharing stories its fascinating the things Sue and Shelley tell us, they are quite different without men being around, much freer, more risqué and amusing.

In between stories of love and loss, and dead babies, I tell them all about growing up with the dramas surrounding Rene and Phil. I then talk about Steve and Vlad taking me into their home and looking after me as if I was one of their own.

I have kept in touch with them and Steve has had a number of health issues in the last year, he was diagnosed with inoperable benign brain tumours. He has had some chemo and radiation to shrink them, but he isn't back to his old self yet. I miss them both.

When Leah and I go back out to the wall after lunch, she and I sit down in the shade, it's still too hot to work, and we can relax for a while. I'm looking forward to planting more shade trees as part of the new garden.

Leah tells me that at the time of her split up with Sam, she found out she was pregnant, and had the foetus aborted, due to all the upset with Sam and Emily getting together behind her back and then kicking her to the kerb.

She said although she tried to keep the pregnancy quiet, and then the abortion, she was spotted by one of the tribe going into the abortion clinic. The rumour got back to Sam, that's why he went after her and started fighting with her... he wanted any baby she had...saying he would have brought it up with Emily and she didn't deserve to be a mother.

Seth defended her...they got followed, threatened and attacked every time they left the house and came into Forks. That's why leaving Forks and the Quileute tribe and establishing in Taos was the best thing in the end.

Leah and I got up and started walking down to the lower paddock which had Daisy and Eric in it.

I put my arm around her shoulder; she needed some comfort after telling me all of that sad business.

We came over to the fence, something wasn't right.

Usually Daisy would be here looking for some attention and apple, I couldn't see her. Leah and I hopped over the fence and went into the paddock, I spotted Eric, and he looked skittish and upset. He was usually an animal who came up to any human without any fear.

I saw something at his feet, it was Daisy! Leah and I ran over to see. Daisy has lying down and he eyes were open wide, she was breathing hard and looking like she was in a lot of pain.

I went over closer, and saw her neck had been bitten, and blood was congealed, her intestines were also exposed to the air, as she had a big gash along her abdomen. blood was all over her coat and the ground. Her fore legs were wounded, and tendons were exposed. One foreleg looked broken.

Daisy was injured very badly, it wouldn't be easy to fix the leg and abdominal injury, in fact it was probably impossible.

It looked like Eric had scared the mountain lion off, after it attacked Daisy, preventing poor Daisy from being killed, just leaving her lying on the ground in terrible pain.

Eric stood guard over Daisy. He was spooked, but wouldn't leave her. Eric was brave and I wonder how the hell he held off a hungry puma, he's small and has no sharp teeth or claws. As well as having only one eye!

I called Sue Shelley and Charlotte on the phone, to tell them what happened. Sue and Leah recommend putting Daisy down with a quick bullet.

I really hate guns and killing, the nearest vet is a long way away, and it would be what he would probably do in the end anyway.

Leah goes and gets her gun; she is a good marksman and doesn't take risks around firearms.

I trust Leah to be an accurate shot.

She promises me that Daisy will have a quick death, to end her pain and suffering.

I pat Daisy and gently tell her goodbye, I thank her for her wonderful friendship, and carrying myself and Jasper around on her back to the waterfall, where he proposed, and for all the other times she took us places.

Charlotte has other stories with Daisy too.

She and the Whitlock brothers used to go out together, all three of them riding on Daisy's back when they were kids.

She tells me how Daisy took her and Pete away camping on their first trip alone and there she got to know Pete really, really well. They both committed themselves to being together, under the stars that first night alone, even though they were only sixteen. She said it was all worth it.

She looked at her watch and said she had to pick up Max from school, she said that Daisy would appreciate a quick death and not to suffer any more.

I nodded, tears streamed down both our faces.

I got her to promise to tell Pete, Max and Jasper about Daisy's demise with me, when they came home.

Leah returned with the gun, I nod and she walked quietly over, loaded the rifle with one cartridge and lined it up with Daisy's forehead and fired.

I watched...I didn't want to take my eyes off Daisy.

She deserved my attention, my focus.

Her eyes closed and she looked like there was no more pain. She was finally at peace, the poor darling.

I kneeled down to Daisy's side; put my head on her neck and started howling and howling.

I started rocking back and forth on my folded legs...all the excruciating pain from all of the deaths of my loved ones... Daisy, baby George, Nanna, Esme, and all the heavy worry and stress from my inability to no longer have babies, as well as Dad's and Jasper's pain and anxiety... I let it all out.

I cried and screamed and howled and rocked for a long time, until I had no more pain left, my throat was sore and my face covered in tears and snot. I must have looked a fright, but I was finally able to take a big breath, and relax. The heavy pain in my chest was gone.

I looked around and Sue, Leah and Shelley watched me quietly and I thanked them for letting me scream like a banshee and let it all out.

I leant back down and removed Daisy's bridle. She wouldn't need it anymore.

We all gathered together and walked up slowly to the house. I put a lead rope on poor Eric, and led him gently up to the home paddock close to the house. I didn't want him to be at risk of another puma attack. He was skittish the poor love, but he came along with us as we slowly made our way back.

Eric's big brown eyes and long, long lashes were amazing, and he was so soft with his rusty coloured coat.

I wonder if we could somehow have a dedication to Daisy in the butterfly garden too.

She was a wonderful horse, she was worth it.

Sue mentioned that we should think about ringing the wildlife rangers and letting them know about the attack from the puma or mountain lion, and also get their advise on whether we needed to go after it, or get better fencing.

I didn't like the idea of hunting a wild animal, but I sure didn't want to have any more attacks on animals or people, particularly the kids who come to visit us like Max or Liam.

I asked what people generally did with animals that were so big. What did you do with something so large, how did you go about burying it?

We all looked at each other and Sue smiled... She knew a lady on the local tribal arts council, who had a son with a mini excavator...a machine called a 'bobcat' ironically enough...she would ring him and get him to come and dig a big enough hole for Daisy, pick her body up, place her in the hole and then bury her properly.

She said the guy with the 'bobcat', would probably be very helpful, if we wanted to move some large stones while he was here.

I nodded and Sue pulled out her phone and made the call. Leah went and put her rifle away.

Shelley and I made a big pot of tea, pulled out a plate of my all-time-favourite brownies from the fridge, and set up all the cups and plates on the outdoor table underneath the wisteria covered pergola.

What a day!

We sat down and looked at each other, in shock and exhaustion.

I thanked them all, each and every one.

I was truly blessed to have such wonderful friends and family.

We sat quietly and sipped our tea. Sue said the guy with the bobcat could come by tomorrow, and I just needed to show him where I wanted Daisy buried.

I nodded and said thanks. I would make sure he was paid well, his service was going to save me a lot of effort, and if Daisy was buried deep enough, the scavengers would leave her body alone.

I thanked Leah again and we started crying again.

I got up and hugged her. She was my sister and I loved her.

No one else would have unselfishly volunteered to euthanize Daisy for me. Well, maybe Dad or Seth, but I wouldn't have wanted Dad to have any more stress.

We sat around talking a bit more and I suggested that I get the Japanese bath-house ready; so that we could all have a good scrub and then soak in the Japanese-style wooden hot tub.

They all looked a bit amused and then Leah said she could definitely use a good clean-up and soak, Sue agreed, saying she wouldn't mind trying it out, as she was on her own without Charlie here to convince or persuade. Shelley surprised me by saying she was more than happy to have a bath Japanese style, as it had been a while since she visited Japan and enjoyed the wonderful Onsen hot mineral spring baths they had there.

I set the water heater on, the room was designed to provide some privacy while sitting and scrubbing your body with a brush and showering all the soapy water off. I liked to scrub and wash Jasper off after a hot sweaty day, or in winter soaking in the deep water up to our necks, chatting and closing our eyes in deep relaxation.

I showed them around the pine clad room, and smooth wooden floor. There was a bench and pegs to hang clothes on, and I gave everyone a long clean cotton Kimono to change into.

I explained that it was ok to wash off alone, or to have help, especially on those hard to reach parts of your back. I showed then all the bath and explained we could treat it like a sauna, and all sit in the tub and the wide bench seats, there was enough room for four bodies to relax.

More and more, deep and special stories were revealed, as the four of us let our defences down and let out the hidden shadowy memories within.

Leah and I scrubbed each other's backs and shoulders. It was a wonderful feeling, getting all the grime and dirt off, as well as all the old skin cells sloughing off, leaving a fresh tingly feeling.

She had used the Japanese bath before, years ago but we'd never used it together, she and I had always had a deep connection, going back to when I bought her and Seth to Taos all those years ago.

She started silently crying as I scrubbed her back, and I asked if I'd hurt her, and she whispered that she was finally crying for the baby she aborted and the way she had to let go of all the pain that Sam and Emily, as well as the 'wolf pack' gang had caused her.

Leah said that it might be finally a good time to tell her mother about the abortion, and to tell her mom more details of Sam's abusive behaviour.

I said I was with her all the way.

Shelley got Sue to scrub her back and told her all about her husband who she missed, she laughed and said that he visited every night, and she seemed closer to him now, than when he was alive ,and leading a too-busy judge's life.

She laughed and told us about how she came to buy her house here in Taos, a long way from her sons and her old socialite friends. She was so happy to lead a great life here, with wonderful neighbours and friends, doing what she really loved.

Sue was shyer, but was happy to let Shelley scrub her back, as Leah and I had stripped off and scrubbed while she watched and chattered, Shelley had shed her clothes, without any qualms, and Sue saw that we'd all supported each other, she relaxed enough to do it too.

Sue started laughing to herself, and shook her head.

We looked up at her and she giggled. "If Charlie could see me now! He'd probably have a fit!"

"Well, it's good all those men aren't here...even if I _do_ love each and every one of them, its nice having just us girls for a little while... We can chat without them butting in... or us feeling shy...it's nice to just relax, and not have to feel like we have to run around after them."

"I wonder what they're eating?"

"Well, I hope it's not all that emergency freeze-dried camping food. That stuff is ok once in a while, but it gets old pretty quickly. I hope they've caught some nice fish and are enjoying it cooked over a campfire..."

"As long as they don't burn it!"

"Or let it slip off the grill and fall in the dirt!"

"Or let it get fly-blown and full of maggots!.

"Err, ewwwgh... that is just _gross_ Leah...you've given me too many nasty images, I'll probably have nightmares, you wicked woman."

She just laughed, "They'll be great 'cause Garrett is an amazing campfire cook, and he got heavily into producing wonderful food while we were travelling."

"Oh well that's a relief, they won't starve then..."

"Yeah, but they'll probably come back all dirty and smelly... There's something about men when they get all together, they hate washing themselves or changing clothes."

"Ah well, we'll see, I think Garrett has a few things planned for them all..."

"What do you mean Leah?"

"I have a feeling they'll be doing a bit more than just eating camp food, fishing and hunting... I happen to know that Garrett is planning to take them all through a few special rituals, to deal with all the grief and pain each of them is carrying."

"What kind of rituals?"

"Oh, he is never really big on details, but he has been training for this sort of men's health and healing stuff for a few years now, he as a lot of tribal knowledge passed down from his father and grandfather, he inherited a lot of important healing and medicine lore, and is willing to share some of that worth Charlie, Jasper, Peter and Seth. Spike is just there to assist, and be an extra pair of eyes and hands, for when they are all ready to let their pain go."

Sue smiled and nodded. She had been in on the boys-own camping trip for a while, and it was her way to get Charlie to feel like he was safe enough to finally let his guard down...to be relaxed enough to release all his worries.

I hoped to heaven that Jasper was able to let go all of his burdens and worries, let go of the past that haunted him, let go of the sadness of baby George dying, and maybe never being a father.

We were all yawning and tired by the time we got out of the hot tub.

We made our way back to the kitchen in our cotton kimonos, and I heated up some soup. We ate and then went our separate ways, Leah to the tipi, Shelley next door, and Sue back home, I offered her the spare room, but she said she preferred her own bed.

I crawled into bed and was asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.


	10. Chapter 10

AN: Twilight is the whole and complete creation of Stephanie Meyer. But this crazy story is mine, mistakes and all.**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 10. A time to keep and a time to throw away.<strong>

Sue, Leah and I sorted the sad burial of dear old Daisy.

I picked a bunch of wildflowers and long grass stalks and made a bouquet for her; I placed it on the bare earth and sighed.

"Rest in peace my old friend. Thanks for being a good and steady horse over the years, thanks for being the first and only horse I've ever ridden, thanks for being a friend to Truffles and now Eric, I know he'll miss you, even though you didn't know each other that long. Take care Daisy...God bless."

I couldn't talk any more, I was crying too hard.

I would have thought that I wouldn't have anymore tears to cry after yesterday, but I was wrong...tears were coming steadily, and I guess that was a good thing..._'better out than in'_, as my Nan always said!

I looked at the two women standing by me, "thanks, both of you. I don't know how I would have coped without you both...I'm going to go up to the house and instead of dealing with anymore stone today, I'm going to have a bit of a clean out."

"Do you need a hand?" Leah asked.

"Uhh, no not at the moment...I think while things are quiet in the house, I'll just start clearing, and see where it takes me. It's hard to have a really good clear-out when Jasper is hanging around. He distracts me."

Leah and Sue laughed.

"Yeah tell me about it! Charlie finds it hard to throw stuff away, and always keeps mumbling about how useful this or that old thing will be, or come in handy one day."

"Yes...my Dad the original hoarder. Remember all those thousands upon thousands of disgusting, rusty old fishing hooks he managed to store in odd places all over the house in Forks?"

"It was hilarious when I started getting rid of them by stealth; into our neighbour's garbage bins...he didn't even miss them! I love him, the crazy old coot!" Sue snickered.

* * *

><p>I started in the pantry, and cleared off the shelves, washed them down and then rearranged all the contents in a different order. I threw out a whole heap of very old containers and packets that would have dated from Marcus's time in the house.<p>

I was pleased with the result, and laughed to myself at finding three containers of cinnamon, five of ground cloves and two of nutmeg. I was happy that there were no more dried out bottles of tomato sauce, barbecue sauce or any other dirty near-empty old bottles.

I had a coffee and some fruit and wandered over to the bookshelf.

I had wanted to do a big cull of books for a while now. So I had a good look...I wouldn't throw any of Jasper's books out, his were mostly historical non-fiction anyway...

I went to my messiest bookshelf, and started pulling off all the books...the were so many, just on this single bookshelf alone...so many books I had acquired and had never gotten past the first few pages.

I shook my head, what were the books I really wanted to keep?

I had my very special favourites, books that I returned to again and again, like clockwork, never getting sick of, always finding something new or wonderful in them... I'd never part with those books, they were old friends.

And then there were the books I knew I wanted to try reading, but had hadn't gotten around to... I'd keep most of them.

Then finally I knew...the others were like flotsam and jetsam on the sea... floaters... not really for me...maybe they were for someone else... to find a place into their hearts...or bookshelves.

I thought I'd make myself a new rule...only books that I knew had _earned a place_, to be on this bookshelf.

All the rest...could be sent to the charity outlet or given away...I could offer the newish ones to the local library.

So I cleaned each shelf of all the dust and very carefully replaced only my special books on it.

On the bottom shelf I placed all the other books that might have a possible future with me...they were the ones that I thought could be of special interest in the future.

I placed all the rest, and there were a lot, in plastic bags and placed them near the doorway. If they were right there, I _had_ to take them to the car next time I passed them.

I made myself some dinner and went out to see if Leah wanted to have some food with me, but it looked like she'd gone back to Sue and Charlie's place.

I ate then ran the bath and relaxed.

It felt great to have cleared out two messy places in the house.

Tomorrow I'd tackle my closet.


	11. Chapter 11

SM owns twilight, I own a couple of silly hens.**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 11. A time to be silent and a time to speak.<strong>

I spent the morning working on my stone wall, it was starting to take shape, and even I was getting impressed with my slow, but steady pace.

It was around a meter high at the highest point, but took many stones, in many stone-layers to reach that height. The curve of the wall was starting to show.

The placement of the bigger foundations stones with Carlos and Leah had already been done, thank heavens, it would have been almost impossible for me to do the foundations all alone.

I worked in silence this morning, slowly and carefully selecting the exactly right shaped stones from the piles. It was good and satisfying work.

Although initially my muscles were aching when I first started, and I had no stamina at all. I was now surprising myself with the hours I put in, and the quiet satisfaction I got out of progressing at a very slow snail's pace.

The activity relaxed my mind; my focus was just on shapes and placement of the various stones.

There wasn't any mortar to worry about, or places to rush off to.

The phone didn't ring and I just kept plodding along.

Leah was life-modelling for another artist again this morning, and the house was quiet.

Eric the Red, stood by calmly chewing and keeping his one good eye on me. He had started following me about after the attack on Daisy.

He loved close company and I enjoyed him, just hanging there, close enough to be company but not get in the way.

Alpacas are a lot quieter than horses or dogs. He liked being handled and had that huge eye with the long, long curved lashes, which he batted at me. His other eye was closed; it had been damaged when he was a baby, by a crow trying to peck it out. So the vet sewed it shut.

He coped pretty well with one eye, unfortunately it didn't give him much hope with the lady alpacas, who didn't give him a chance...pity, he would've made lovely fluffy rusty red coloured babies.

I worked, Eric watched with his one eye, chewing and chewing.

Just before noon, I thought it was getting too hot to do anymore work. Eric and I walked up to the house. He stood in the shade under the wisteria and I went into the kitchen to get a cool drink and something to eat.

We sat together in the quiet.

I sighed and got up to fill a container for him to drink out of,poor guy I had forgotten his thirst.

* * *

><p>I wondered how all the fellas were doing at their men's only camping trip...I hoped that whatever they were up to was going well, that they enjoyed each other's company and were able to kick back and relax.<p>

I missed Jasper... but not desperately, I knew in my heart he was safe and well, I didn't need to worry at all...I just missed his smile and his kisses and the way we held each other and dreamed the same things, thought about the same thoughts...and breathed in and out at the same time.

He was mine, I was his.

Like twins, or one soul split in half.

I felt like his pain had lifted, just as mine had.

I was looking forward to seeing him, and holding him again.

My lover, my heart, my soul...my wonderful, wonderful man.

The men's return was going to be sometime late today or tomorrow, depending on Garrett and his 'rituals' went, according to Leah...I hoped they weren't too painful or difficult...my mind wondered what was involved...I guess it was secret men's stuff. I knew Leah wasn't going to tell me what Garrett had in store for the men, even if she did know.

I huffed and got up, patted Eric and went inside.

I looked around...the front door was crowded with all the plastic bags of books and clothes, ready for my trip down to the charity shop and local library.

I sighed, I didn't really want to go out to be in the public and talk to anyone, but there was no point in letting the pile of bags sit there, waiting for someone to trip over them...now was as good a time as any to put them all in the car and go for a trip into town.

I looked at myself in the hall mirror, I was a little bit dirty and scruffy from building with stone, but I wasn't going to be socializing, or anything, just dropping stuff off...I didn't want to change out of my work clothes just yet.

The backseat, passenger seat and boot were full-to-bursting, gee... I really did have a big clean out!

I stopped at the library first, I hoped they'd take the books, nearly all of them were in great condition, and I knew they didn't have a lot of funds for new acquisitions. I really hoped they would take them...

I parked close to the front door, and walked in, my work boots were really dirty and my jeans all dusty...never mind...

I spotted a new librarian over at the desk.

"Hi I'm wondering if you'd like to take some books off my hands, I had a clean up yesterday, they are in good condition, and most of them I haven't gotten to read...they're all fiction...different genres, do you think it might be something you would take off my hands?..."

The poor guy looked up at me; a little spooked, he went bright red and opened his mouth to speak, but only managed to make a squeaky noise...he huffed, got even redder, then just nodded and gave me a shy smile.

"I've got my car parked just outside the front door, would you like to give me a hand? I put them all in bags so they're easier to carry." He got up from the inquiries desk and nodded...it was a little like talking to that guy on the Big Bang Theory, Raj... the one who was shy of women, maybe this guy was socially-phobic or something...I sighed and went out to my car, he followed.

* * *

><p>He waved me goodbye, still not having spoken a single word, I had to shake my head and giggle to myself.<p>

I set off to the charity shop...I wonder what that would be like? The ladies, who ran the shop, were always ones for a long gossipy chat, just the exact opposite of the shy library guy. God help him if he ever had to answer a direct complex question...I wonder how he ever got the job?

I pulled up near the door to the shop and smiled to myself, Shelley Cope was volunteering today, good!

I could be in and out without a lot of explaining to do.

I unloaded as many bags as I could carry in one go, and headed into the shop. Shelley looked up and smiled.

"Bella honey, let me help you with that."

She bustled around, getting more bags of clothes out of my car, and I pulled out another lot of things from the boot, mostly handbags and shoes I had never used.

The last lot of clothes were a big bag of maternity clothes I never got around to wearing. All lovely things still with price-tags attached.

I suddenly felt a little sad that I'd _never, ever_ get to wear them...

I stood like a statue there on the kerb, looking at the bag of band new clothes, in my favourite colours. I closed my eyes, willing myself not to cry...but alas, it wasn't to be, the traitorous tears streamed down my face.

Shelley came up next to me and put her arm gently over my shoulder.

"Come on, I think you need a cuppa, before you head off..."

I nodded and followed her into the shop.

"How's everything going sweetie?"

I blew my nose and sniffled some more...I shrugged.

"Do you miss Jasper? I bet you do...he'll be home soon...I bet he comes home tonight, right? Have you been doing a bit of clearing out recently?"

I sipped the tea, it felt good to swallow. My throat had been so dry.

"I decided that I needed to clear out some stuff, I gave a heap of paperbacks to the library...oh ...that poor new guy they have there now is a bit shy, but seems nice enough. I tackled my closet too, it was so full, and I never wear most of the stuff. Steve keeps sending me so many outfits all the time, it's lovely, but ridiculous, seeing as how I'm more of a relaxed casual clothes kind of person, now that I don't have to be neat and smart for my work..." I looked down at my dusty clothes I was wearing and shook my head.

"I also packed all the maternity outfits, which I never got to wear... it made me sad to see them all, I guess. They are my favourite colours and lovely soft fabrics...it makes me feel bereft or empty to see them in the bag, and never be able to ever have a chance to wear them."

I closed my eyes and huffed. Shelley patted my hands, nodding.

"I know darling, I know... If Jasper's not home tonight, do you want to come and eat dinner with me? I could use a little company and good conversation."

I snorted, I wasn't the most erudite and witty person to be with at the moment...

But sharing a meal would be nice.

"Ok, but don't count on me to be full of funny one-liners and deep philosophical theories...I might just keep my comments to boring stuff like, Eric being my new shadow and the slow and steady progress of the dry-stone wall."

We softly smiled at each other. Thank God for lovely supportive friends like Shelley.


	12. Chapter 12

AN: Ms Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight, I definitely don't!**  
><strong>

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><p><strong>Chapter 12. A time to love and a time to hate.<strong>

I had finished cleaning out the fridge. My goodness, there were a few strange science experiments going on in the back there, away from the normal everyday things usually found in a fridge...I was glad I got to them in time, before some unsuspecting person was poisoned or turned green.

It was two in the morning ...I couldn't sleep.

I was awaken with a sudden jolt, I sat up in bed, my heart pounding, I looked around the room, I was still alone, Jasper haven't returned yet.

My heart was pounding and I lay back down, trying to relax myself back to sleep...but to no avail...honestly, it was ridiculous just lying in bed.

I got up and wandered into the kitchen ...maybe a drink would help settle me down and I could go back to sleep.

I made warm milk with honey, and slowly drank it...but no...no yawning or heavy eyes...honestly!

I went back to the fridge to put the milk away and had a good look around the inside of it for once...my God!

There were splashes and drips and crumby bits of something...there were half desiccated withered corpses of vegetables...heck!

What a disgrace!

I started pulling everything out of the fridge...all of this stuff was once in such a little space...how did it all fit?

I proceeded to pull out all the shelves and the veggie bin...wiping and spraying as I went...slowly I worked around all the nasty nooks and crevices...

Why do fridges have so many weird spots to grow mould?

And why are they so hard to clean? ...Maybe I should write an angry letter of complaint to the manufacturer to tell them to employ a woman to show them what to _avoid _in the design and layout...so that it's easy to clean for Heaven's sake!

_I hate mould!_

I wiped and scrubbed all those annoying wire shelves and the storage plastic veggie bin...

I mean to say, who would put all those idiot crevices into just one piece of plastic?

What were they doing? Trying to purposely give me a nervous breakdown from all the mould?

_Ughh!_

I reassembled the shelves and then eyed the contents of the fridge, which was now scattered all over the floor and kitchen benches...hmm...some of this is way past its prime...what was I thinking? Or not thinking, to hang onto all this crappy stuff...huh!

_I hate it when food goes all old and nasty!_

I pulled the garbage bin over and started to throw most of it away.

I placed the few reasonable items which I considered mould free and up to date, back in the fridge and sighed...well that was good...at least an hour's worth of time was used up productively...I wonder when Jasper will be home?...

I need a hug...I think I'm going a little mad...wandering around the house in my knickers and old tee-shirt, ripping the fridge apart and putting it back together...

I still wasn't tired...mould...mould...stop thinking about mould...

I'll have a nice warm bath...that'll help me relax and maybe I could go to sleep sometime before dawn...

I ran the bath and popped in some sandalwood and lavender essential oil.

While it was filling up the bath, I looked around...my word! Why hadn't I seen it before?

This place was really gritty and look!

Disgusting mould growing in the tile grout! Yuck!

I pulled out an old tooth-brush, I used for cleaning the tiles with, and set to work giving the lines of nasty disgusting grout a really, really good scrub.

Why are there so, so many small tiles in this room?

I mean who was the _complete idiot_ who insisted we tiled to bathroom, with thousands of mini tiles?

Oh yeah...I remember!

It was none other than me!

Jasper did say something to me in the showroom about the larger tiles having much less grout, but I blithely ignored him as usual...and now I'm going to be here forever on my hands and knees...trying to clean acres and acres of mouldy, soap splattered, scummy grout...crap!

_I hate grout!_

I looked over at the bath, just as it was about to overflow on to the floor..._what the hell was wrong with me? I'm so distracted and grumpy... _I really need Jasper!

I sighed and pulled my things off and emptied the water a fraction, so that I wouldn't make a tidal wave of water on the floor...and sank in...ahhh, bliss!

_I just love sinking into a lovely hot bath, with my favourite scented oils_.

Mmm...I stood back up found a candle and a lit it, and turned off the bathroom light...perfect!

_Gotta love candles!_

The night sky was very bright...it must be a full moon.

Moonlight and love songs... and looking up and wishing on a shooting star... and seeing the morning star when it stays steady in the sky as the sun rises...

_I love the big wonderful night sky_...

it's magnificent and incredible...it's like looking at all the fantastic magnificence of the universe laid out, for all the see and wonder at...we are so lucky to see it...here in Taos, with the clear air and the high altitude, lack of cloud cover, we get to see the greatest show on earth, nearly every night of the year...lucky us!

_I love our fabulous starry nights here in Taos, and the huge moon as it moves across the inky sky._

I yawned a few times and realized I needed to get up and out of the bath before I fell asleep and the water got cold.

I focused on getting out, without falling or slipping on the wet tiles...it seems as though I did leave a lot of water on the floor without even realizing it.

I wanted more than anything to just go to bed...I'd clean up all the water in the morning.

I dried off quickly and slid into the sheets, I was asleep in less than two seconds.

I was really deeply asleep, but felt there was something new that my mind was trying to tell me...I listened, my eyes closed...humph...I felt a hot hand rub my butt and feel around my side and over to my shoulder and around my ribs up to my breasts.

Jasper had the best hands in the world...my husband, my lover, my beautiful man...

"Oh baby...I missed you so bad...you miss me too?"

I groaned, and moved onto my back and then snuggled closer into his body...I sighed in relief and his mouth started skimming over my shoulders and collar-bone.

He felt like a wonderful sweet homing-beacon, drawing me into his safe and welcoming embrace.

I felt the tears spring forth down my cheeks, and I opened my eyes to see him, to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

"You're here!"

I kissed him and kissed him some more.

"Mmm, baby swan! It's good to see you here, so soft and warm and beautiful...my sweet luscious, woman...let me taste your delicious skin...you taste so good...oh baby...you smell like peaches...so silky and smooth and ...ugh..."

Jasper spiralled into a wordless wondrous dance of slow deep movements.

I just moved along with him, and we came together in our splendid spinning of souls touching, bodies merging, and each one becoming the other in our loving alignment...

* * *

><p>I awoke again; it felt like it was late in the morning, the sun high in the sky. Jasper must have left the bed...I couldn't feel him ...I shook my head and opened my eyes wider, trying to focus.<p>

I wonder where he is?

I hope he hasn't got too far away...I want to kiss him again.

I pulled myself up and walked down to the bathroom...oh no! I forgot to wipe up the floor; it was so wet I had to watch my footing...

I approached the doorway, the bathroom light was on and I tried opening the door...something was stopping me from opening the door...oh no, oh no..._Please_ don't tell me Jasper is there, lying on the wet bathroom floor!...

I pushed and pushed harder against the dead-weight, and started crying...

"Jasper! Jasper! Jasper let me in!"

I put my shoulder against the door and lowered my body took a deep breath and pushed steadily and as hard as I could...

Slowly the door inched open a little wider...I peaked in Jasper was lying naked on the floor...unconscious...he must have slipped in all the water I selfishly left on the floor...what if he never wakes up and he's left in a coma or dies?

"Jasper! Please wake up honey! Please!"

He groaned and mumbled.

"Jasper, please move a bit and let me in...I need to get in to help you...I'm so sorry, I left all that water on the floor..."

I pushed again on the door and somehow moved his legs a bit more. I squeezed my body sideways through the crack in the door...

I kneeled down and gently shook his shoulder.

"Jasper open your eyes! Come on baby I need you to try and wake up for me!"

His eyes fluttered and he moaned louder.

I looked around and grabbed some towels and lay them down to soak up the water on the floor... I wondered if I should put him into the recovery position, like I learned in the first aid course I did last year...

I pulled his knee up and his arm nearest to me onto his chest and took a deep breath...

OK! I need to turn him onto his side, slowly and carefully, making sure his head isn't jostled too much, in case of a neck trauma.

Focus Bella!

Do this right!

It's important!

First check he's breathing...I leant down and tried to feel his breath and see if his chest was rising and falling...yes! Thank-you God!

I placed my hands, one on his hip, and one on his shoulder and knelt up and rolled him over to his side. His knee and arm held him from rolling over ...that worked...good!

OK, now his head, I should re-check his breathing...yes ok, and let's see what do I do next? Maybe carefully put a rolled up towel under his head to support his neck...

I took a breath again and gently lifted his head just so it wasn't dropping too much...in line with his spine and pushed a rolled towel underneath his head and neck, then I let his head down slowly and gently...

I put some more towels on either side of him and then covered him with a bigger, dry towel, to stop him getting too cold.

I needed to get help.

An ambulance...yes I had to ring them and get them here as soon as possible...I ran and got the phone and came back to sit with him in the bathroom and observe him...

I had to make sure he kept breathing...I gently felt around to see if I could feel any blood or bumps on his skull...Mmm that wetness was that blood?...I looked closer at my fingers...no just water...

Finally someone picked up after two rings...I was shaking..._Oh God...please make Jasper be ok...please, please, please..._

"Police, fire or ambulance?"

"Ambulance please." I was switched through...

"Ambulance service...What's your address please?"

"6 Matisse Lane, Taos, New Mexico."

"How can I help you?"

"I need an ambulance; my husband has fallen on the wet bathroom floor and is unconscious. I think he must have hit his head."

"Ma'am is he breathing...can you check for me?"

I checked again, "yes, he is..."

"Good, now can you roll him on his side ma'am?"

"Yes I already put him in the recovery position...he is supported under his head in case of a neck injury and towels either side to support him."

"Good, now I'm sending a crew to you right now, and I need you to stay on the phone, while we wait for them to arrive, ok? Can you check his breathing again?"

"Yes, he's still breathing."

"Good, what's your name ma'am? I'm Dave..."

"Oh Bella... My name is Bella Swan Whitlock."

"Good now Bella, I need for you to go and open the door so the crew can get into the house, then come back to your husband."

"Ok," I ran to open the front door and saw that Jasper had dumped a heap of camping gear down near the doorway. I pushed the gear away, to give the paramedics room to come in and out more easily.

I unlocked the front door and then opened it wide.

"I'm back, the door is open. Should I check his breathing?"

"Yes Bella, now if he's still breathing, can you check to see if you can find any wound or bleeding."

"I had a look before, I think he's just wet from water on the tiled bathroom floor, rather than from blood...I can't see any blood...I'm not sure where he bumped his head..."

"So he's still breathing and you can't see any blood...good...that's really good...has he been trying to wake up at all? Try and talk to him. Squeeze his hand or shoulder, ask him to open his eyes, speak firmly."

"Jasper, open your eyes, wake up sweetie, come on!"

He mumbled again and I saw his eyes flicker under his lids...

"He's mumbling and his eyes are moving but closed...should I keep talking to him?"

"Yes ma'am, your doing good, just keep talking. The paramedics will be arriving in around ten minutes...I'll stay in the line with you, can you see if his lips are blue?"

"Ummm, no, he's pink, but he does feel cool, I don't know how long he was lying on the wet bathroom floor...I've covered him in a dry towel, but it's not so warm I guess."

"Keep talking to him hold his shoulder and squeeze...

"Jasper, Jasper Whitlock, I need you to open your eyes and look at me! I want to tell you how much I love you and how much I missed you while you were away...Jasper, baby, please just try ok? Please?"

I started to shake and shiver, crying his name over and over...

_Oh sweet heavenly Jesus and all the saints and angels in Heaven_..._please, please wake my beautiful man up for me...I need him...he needs me! We can't live apart...please, wake him up!_

"Ma'am! Ma'am! Bella? Can you hear me?"

I noticed the phone was on the floor, with a voice faintly coming from it.

I blinked and picked it up.

"Hello?" I shivered, I looked at my body, I was naked and cold.

"Err ma'am? Are you ok? I need you to calm down and take a couple of deep breaths for me ...can you do that for me...soon the ambulance will be there with you...it will be ok, you must stay calm for me and your husband..."

"Yes, ok."

I looked around me and saw my bath-robe hanging on the door, I pulled it down and wrapped it around me, hoping to try and get a bit of warmth from it.

"Check your husband's breathing...is he still breathing?"

I leant over and checked his chest, he was breathing slow and steady.

"Yes, his breathing is slow, but steady."

I heard a siren coming up the hill and getting louder.

It was the ambulance, thank heavens!

I took a deep breath and shook my head...if only I had cleaned up that damn water!

I stood up; pulling the bathrobe closer to my body...I needed to get dressed soon as I could, so I could to go down to the hospital with Jasper.

I looked down at my sweet Jasper, I had to hold it together and keep strong for him...

"Jasper honey, the paramedics are here, I need you to try and stay with me...I'm going to be with you all the way...I'm not leaving you baby"...I started crying harder...

"Hello! Hello Ma'am?"

"In here!" I called out.

Things seemed to go fast, after the two paramedics arrived and took charge.

Jasper still hadn't come out of is unconscious state and I was worried.

I thanked Dave, who'd been kind enough to stay on the line with me and hung up.

I quickly ran into the bedroom and found some yoga pants, a tee-shirt and some underwear. I put it all on as quickly as possible; I was still shaking and crying. I slipped on my flip-flops and pulled on a jacket, pulling my hair up into a messy bun.

I needed to call Pete; he always knew what to do.


	13. Chapter 13

AN: SM owns the total Twilight package, kit and kaboodle!**  
><strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13. A time for war and a time for peace.<strong>

Dearest Nan, Esme and Marcus,

I know you are here with us now, surrounding our sweet Jasper, as he is in surgery.

I thank-you for all of your past support and for bringing in the all the big guns to love, support, heal and emerge from this episode whole.

I know I should have not gone to bed without cleaning up the splashed water on the bathroom floor...I am kicking myself now, that I didn't take the time to do it...I'm so horribly sad that it was me that caused his accident.

I got to ride in the ambulance with Jasper and I am thankful for that, I also talked to the doctor in the emergency ward, who got straight onto the neurological registrar who was free at the time Jasper arrived, which I am also incredibly thankful for. So Jasper didn't need to wait long to see a specialist.

The emergency room doctor told me they put Jasper into an imaging machine, to help see what injuries his brain had suffered and where they were located.

He has a mild to moderate contusion, from banging his head on the bathtub, which has caused his brain to swell.

The neurologist is operating, to relieve the inter-cranial pressure...essentially it means they are removing a piece of his skull and are hoping just this will help the brain, not have any unnecessary pressure on it, or further damage.

At the moment they cannot find any bleeding, just bruising.

I am sitting here alone in the hospital chapel, writing on my i-phone, so I can try and make sense of what has happened...Pete, Sue, Charlie, Leah and Garrett are all here sitting in the waiting room...we are keeping a vigil and hoping and praying for the best outcome.

Shelley has got all the others back at her home, looking after them, Char Max, Seth and Silvia are all waiting to hear from us, and Liam and Jasmine are waiting to fly in and see Jasper from Vegas, as soon as there is any news.

I knelt down, clasped my hands and focused. Breathing steadily and slowly.

"_I ask you all, my loving friends and relatives on the other side to help Jasper come through this ..._

_I ask Jesus to stay with Jasper in this time of pain and trauma, to love him, protect him and heal him, to surround him with all the best medical and spiritual support..._

_I ask all of God's angels to come in and surround and protect Jasper._

_I am going to fight for Jasper to stay and be with me here on earth...I will do whatever it takes, to get him to be well and healed again...I promise...I promise...I will never give up on Jasper...I will be with him throughout all time, and throughout whatever journey we have to make...we will make it together._

_I promise you Jasper... I KNOW you can hear me sweetheart, I love you...I refuse to be parted from you...we are as one and nothing and no one can tear us apart._

_I have your back Jasper Whitlock, and I want you to open your eyes and look around at all the wonderful help you have with you at the moment...you see? _

_All the doctors and nurses..._

_All the angels..._

_All of those loved ones here in spirit _

_And Jesus too, _

_All of us, right here for you,... __**right here, right now**__...__**we believe you will heal and recover...and I know in my heart you will...**_

_I give your complete and total healing into God's ever loving, ever present hands...I believe we will soon be as one, in all our loving goodness, growing together, and living as one..._

**_I love you Jasper and don't you forget it!_**

_We all love you...our love is bigger than the starry sky...you are the brightest and most beautiful star in my sky Jasper and I'll love you till the end of time..."_

I sighed and wiped my tears...blew my nose and then settled down on the pew to get comfortable and wait until we heard something.

* * *

><p>The chapel door swung open and I heard a rush of footsteps...<p>

"Bella! Honey quick, get up and come and see!"

"What Dad? What's happened?"

"Just come on, quick, it's amazing, the doctor couldn't believe it!"...

Dad grabbed my hand and pulled me up and we raced as fast as we could, down to the surgery waiting area.

"What's happened?" I didn't quite understand.

The doctor came over and smiled at me.

"Mrs Whitlock, Ma'am?"

I nodded.

"Ma'am, something strange and wonderful just happened, and well I wouldn't have quite believed it, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes..."

Yes, what is it Doctor?

"We, were going to do a surgery on Mr Whitlock's skull, to relieve the inter-cranial pressure, but as we were getting ready to prepare his skull for the operation, he opened his eyes and smiled then started talking about how you had called him back, and he looked around and remarked at all the wonderful helpers we had in the operating theater."

The doctor shook his head.

"I looked around, because, other than the anesthesiologist, two theater nurses and myself, there wasn't anyone else"...

"I was shocked to say the least, because the scan we took a short time before, was showing that this surgery was very much needed, to relieve the swelling."

"Mr Whitlock continued to be lucid, chatting away, and telling us all sorts of things, I decided to re-do the scan to check on the swelling, and we did exactly that... we re-scanned him, and the most remarkable thing is... _the swelling has disappeared completely_, he looks and is acting completely like normal...as if he never had all the symptoms of a contusion and coma"...

"So Doctor, where is Jasper now?"

"He's in the neuro ward, just getting a few more cognitive tests done...we're surprised and shocked but very, very happy, to say that all going well, he'll be right to go home tomorrow...I just want to keep him in for tonight, to observe that his condition has completely stabilized and there's no other symptoms of brain deterioration."

I went up to the doctor and hugged him; I couldn't stop crying...it was so wonderful.

I knew a miracle had occurred!

I looked over to my family and we all smiled and cried at the same time.

Hugs were the only way to really express our incredible emotional roller coaster...

Sue and I looked at each other.

I whispered in her ear, "I prayed for a miracle, and I felt you there praying with me"..., she nodded and looked around.

"We all held hands and I started calling in all of my special big helpers from upstairs...it was a miracle and I know just what happened... _You really did call Jasper back from the abyss_ he was heading into...it was all of us praying, and you _making_ him hear you, that really did the trick Bella...you two have such a strong connection, it's like you are one soul in two bodies, you know?"

I smiled and hugged her once again.

"Thanks so much everybody, thanks."

"Let's go and see if we can sneak in and see our Jasper eh?"


	14. Chapter 14

AN: thanks to my favourite Ecclesiastes quote, for the inspiration of this story; which helped me tell a little of my own personal story, in relation to Bella's pregnancy and the grief which she felt, so much like my own.

I have been greatly blessed with two of the most wonderful kids in the whole world...just sayin'! One is currently having fun snow-boarding, the other solving the problems of the world...love you two so, so much!

Ms Meyer owns Twilight, I don't.

This will be the final chapter of this whole trilogy sequence.

I'm very thankful to those who have read and been wonderful enough to review or make me a fave, thanks so much!

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14. For every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven. <strong>

Dearest Nan,

I know you are here with me, I feel you every time I go to sleep, and always when I meditate in the morning. I love that you are with me, it gives me great hope and wonderful support with all of my strange and busy days, thanks so very much, I love you with all of my heart.

I just had to start writing this all down again, because sometimes my mind gets scrambled when I try and make sense of it all...writing really helps me, you already know that Nan.

Well, as you already know, a month ago, Jasper was _finally _ allowed to go home from hospital, and even though the neurological specialist, decided Jasper was happy, healthy and as fit as an ox, he still got a team of other more senior specialists in, to check Jasper over before letting him out of the hospital doors...

I joked with Jasper at the time that his swollen brain and its miraculous recovery, was just _too good_ a story, for the doctors to pass up...and it seems I wasn't far from the truth, in fact it so happens that the neurological resident, who had to check and then re-check Jasper before and after the almost surgery, will be writing a paper for the Lancet (a prestigious medical journal), all about Jasper's seemingly spontaneous recovery, without even one little bit of emergency intervention.

Jasper...well what can I say about my special, amazing man?

He's gorgeous, fit and fabulous and seems to be more on my wavelength than ever...we fit together like peas in a pod.

Since he's been home, we've not only continued working on the wall, like a pair of determined ants, bees or birds building a nest or something, but we've gotten completely into a smooth, unhurried pattern of waking, and working in perfect harmony together...like we always know where the other one is and what they're doing...it's good, but kinda weird.

Moving harmoniously in sequence and without even talking much...just together, in the dance of life.

* * *

><p>Jasper did share with me his memories of what happened before, during and after waking up in the operating theatre.<p>

His recollections are clear as a bell, and it's spooky just how much he remembers...I did apologize profusely about leaving water on the bathroom floor, and him slipping on it...I still wrack myself with guilt and angst about it...typical Virgo, once again I'm afraid that that's how I am, the queen of guilt!

So, one of the things I'm grateful for was that during the whole time Jasper was unconscious, he said he was able to hear everything clearly and feel people touching him... as well as smell all the things near him.

He said he must have been unconscious for a couple of hours when I found him on the bathroom floor...which makes me sad that I continued to sleep, when he needed me...but he heard me, once I woke up, and tried to get to him. Then he listened to me doing the first aid on him and the phone call, the paramedics and going to the hospital.

He knew he was going to be fine, even though he couldn't say exactly _why_ he felt that way, he said he trusted everything was going to turn out ok in the end, and it did.

He said, that while he was lying on the floor, he was with his Mom, Dad and his sister Georgia. They were there for him and behind them, were Esme and Marcus, watching and smiling.

When I came into the room he said there was a brighter light that surrounded us, he said he watched me from the ceiling, and heard me talking, and pleading for him to be ok. He saw our brilliant silver-white, steel-like cables, which joined us at the heart, head and the solar plexus.

Jasper said it was a sight to behold, and I kept him from floating away...I called to him and he had a hard time resisting my voice and the love-cables that were connecting us.

He said that he continued to float above his body, watching, listening, and picking up on the entire scenario around him, even though his body wasn't responding.

He knew the doctors were very worried and were going to operate, due to all the swelling on his brain...it wasn't looking like he'd get out of the situation unscarred, or without problems...the doctors spoke openly about all the complications which could possibly arise and similar cases to his, it really wasn't looking very good at all...

he wondered how he was going to cope,

if he came back into his body and wasn't able to function normally,

if he was in a wheelchair,

or unable to speak,

or lost his memory...

he said he then started spiralling downwards,

lost in a dark and lonely place,

where he wasn't feeling so good anymore,

where he felt hopeless and sad...

where he didn't want to be a burden or a worry to me...

it was a dark, cold, depressing and despairing place, where he felt like he was drifting, drifting and aimless.

He felt he was on the edge of an abyss...and he was about to drift further downwards...

When he suddenly got _**yanked back**_, by the sound of my voice very loudly _**commanding **__him_ to..._**"open his eyes, **__and to look at all of the helpers and loved ones he had with him."_

He said that he was so _compelled _by my voice, that he opened his eyes and saw the doctor, nurse and anesthetist...

but also a whole heap of others in the room,

in fact, the room was _packed to the ceiling_ with _shining smiling beings_, all working to support and love him..._just there for him_...

he felt them all pulling together, to show him just how much love they had for him and just how much he needed to be hear on earth at this time,

it wasn't his time to go, he needed to be here to accomplish so many things, none of it was finished...

He said the doctor got the shock of his life, when Jasper opened his eyes smiled and started chatting away, like there was no tomorrow.

Jasper said he couldn't stop laughing and smiling, and feeling completely elated ...like he was wanting to spring off the operating table and hug everyone.

He told the doc that the room was full of wonderful helpers, all there, and the poor doc, looked around in confusion...

Jasper said that many of the angelic beings smiled and let him know that although they were always with him, that no-one else could see them,

they were around all the time, but hardly anyone called on them to help, they _loved_ being called on to help, that was their purpose in life, after all.

They said, he could see them and communicate with them, any time he wanted,_ he just had to breathe and ask_ and they would be there for him, they also said_ they would be more than happy to take his burdens and worries to assist him._

They were there for him, but couldn't intervene until he specifically _asked_, they never just jumped in and took away that choice...it was _important for a human to ask_, before they acted...they were helpers, not parental figures...they could only act if that was a person's free will... and free will was a great gift of God.

It was up to humans to use it or not ...acknowledging and using free will; was a responsibility of humans, and we were honored to have such a wonderful thing.

_All this communication with the angels and all the other helpful beings in the operating theatre, seemed to pass by in clear deep lengthy detail, but at the same time only last a mere millisecond._

Jasper _asked_ to be given **_complete heath and healing, he offered himself to God, and asked to be whole again, so he could get on with all the work he needed to do._**

At this stage he also heard me ask God, to take Jasper and trust that his healing would take place too.

_**Jasper was instantly enveloped in a white light, so bright it was silver and intense and brilliant, beyond any words or description...and it felt as if all the love in the whole world enveloped his every pore and cell in his body. **_

_**He felt completely renewed, loved and at peace...it was a rush of pure joy...intense sweet pure love...he heard a choir singing in perfect chiming clarity...like loud bells, or the roar of the wind, or a million birds all warbling at once...hard to describe, but intense and amazing.**_

* * *

><p>Since he has come home, Jasper communicates almost daily with the angels and loved ones around us, he's the same, but an altogether new and changed man...like he's been gifted with a whole new energy and he doesn't have any space in his life for fear, worry or anxiety...he has a new lease on life and everyday is sweeter than the next.<p>

Jasper meticulously journals every conversation and experience he has, it means so much to me that he allows me to share this with him.

I'm very moved and overawed, that I have this special man in my life.

Our butterfly garden is almost finished; the last of the stone wall is nearly completed. Nearly everyone we know is here working on it with us, or supporting us with the work.

Yesterday, the seating, birdbath and wind sculpture was placed into the garden, and now we have a team of people, including Sue, Shelley, Leah, Garrett, Seth, Liam, Max, and Charlotte all digging holes and planting our first plants.

I have been moved beyond words at all the love and effort that our friends and loved ones have given freely...it's amazing!

I just stood up to stretch out my arms, boy, have I developed some strong, yet stiff and achy muscles with all the stone work!

I catch sight of a van pulling up...wait ...I know that van, it's from my catering company!

I watch as out jump some of my colleagues, they start pulling out trestle tables, chairs and start setting them up... and putting out food and drinks... and then setting up a DJ's console and then a mini-bar...what the...?

Everyone started laughing and chatting excitedly.

I look around to see Jasper standing there, across the new garden, arms folded across his chest, eyeing me with a huge grin on his face...oh!... It's like that is it? It seems he's organised the whole thing, so we can celebrate...he nods...we are crazily wonderfully psychic, having these silent wordless conversations...

I huff, gently shake my head and grin back at him, I quirk my eyebrows and pull up my chin , like as if to say...well, come on then, come and give me a hug, you steamy dreamy hot tamale you!

Jasper saunters over, looking for all the world, like an angel who has just fallen to earth and gotten a little dusty along the way...

I sigh and look down at my filthy boots and jeans. I take off my leather gloves and shake out my hands...they are all calloused and red, but I don't really mind...my hands have managed to build a beautiful stone wall, with my friends...I'm proud. I actually did it!

It didn't take me long it look up from my hug with Jasper, to realize that I could hear some old familiar voices...oh my God!

I turned around to see my darling Steve and Vlad coming towards me! Oh my! It's been so long since I'd seen them, and they'd been going through so much with Steve's brain tumour!

We hugged and cried and then laughed, they squealed and flapped their hands and I hugged them some more...it was so, so great to see them!

Then I saw my Dad, and Peter arrived heading to the bar.

Then Kate, Angela and Bree turned up and waved to me.

A few people started cheering and offering up toasts and I just smiled and shrugged.

Jasper said a few things, I wasn't listening to the words, and I was just watching him and feeling all of my love for him, overpower me.

The music started up and Jasper and I started dancing, it was so beautiful...we moved like we were one, slowly feeling like the sensations were taking us on that path of consuming unadulterated pure bliss...like heaven...always like heaven!

Today was a milestone, a celebration.

We had survived all the trauma, grief and upset, and still grew together in spirit, joyously counting our multiple blessings...

Our love

Our friends

Our family

Our purpose

Our joys

But most of all our completion of the butterfly garden,

to honour and remember all of our loved ones who'd passed into the next big journey of never-ending life.

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><p>Thanks again darling readers. I hope you enjoyed this story.<p> 


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